Chronic Illness And Getting Engaged

So you're engaged. Or maybe you're about to be. And while part of you is floating on cloud nine, another part is already calculating: How much will this take out of me? Can I handle a big proposal? What about all the stuff that comes after?

Yeah, we have been there.

Here's the thing nobody tells you about getting engaged when you have a chronic illness: it's okay to do it your way. Even if your way looks nothing like the Instagram version.

When "At Home" Beats "On a Jumbotron"

I have a friend who got engaged in her pajamas. Her partner proposed after they'd finished watching The Office for the third time through, eating Thai takeout straight from the containers. No photographer hiding in the bushes. No flash mob. Just them.

She told me later she'd been worried it wasn't "special enough." Then she realized something: she actually got to enjoy it. No performance anxiety. No wondering if her POTS would act up in a crowded restaurant. Just pure, uncomplicated happiness.

Sometimes the most beautiful proposals happen:

• In your living room, where you can cry without an audience
• While you're both in sweatpants
• After ordering from your favorite place that doesn't trigger your symptoms
• Without having to smile through pain for a crowd

There's something really grounding about being proposed to in a space where your body feels safe.

My engagement. I can't remember what we just watched but the ambiance was perfect and I didn't even know the rings were on the tree, inside an ornament!

The Engagement Party Question (And Why the Answer Can Be "Nope")

Let me be honest: engagement parties stress me out, and I did not have one. The thought of standing for hours, making small talk, explaining our timeline to distant relatives... it sounds exhausting.

You know what sounds better?

• Having your parents over for dinner. Just dinner.
• Telling your best friend over FaceTime while you're both in bed
• Taking your time to let it sink in before you tell anyone
• Posting about it when YOU'RE ready, not when everyone expects you to

I've learned that celebration doesn't have an expiration date. You can spread it out. You can keep it small. You can literally just... not do the party thing. Revolutionary, I know.

When Everyone Has Opinions (Spoiler: They Will)

Oh man, this part. The second people find out you're engaged, it's like they've been waiting their whole lives to tell you exactly how you should get married.

• "When's the date?"
• "Where's the venue?"
• "Are you doing a big wedding?"
• "You HAVE to invite [person you barely remember]."

Here's what I wish someone had told me: you can just... not answer. Or you can say "we're still figuring it out" for the next two years if you want to.

Some couples I know went straight to eloping because:

• Guest lists are exhausting to manage
• Planning for months (or years) is too much
• The idea of hosting and entertaining sounds like a nightmare
• They wanted to plan around their health, not around other people's expectations

And you know what? Nobody's marriage is less valid because they skipped the 200-person reception.

How did I do it? We had parents join us on a beach, so just 6 of us. Had dinner afterwards. One month later, had close family and friends over for a backyard party that was very simplistic. The idea of having Crohn's symptoms on my wedding day and having to walk away from the alter in front of hundreds of people scared me.

Weddings Don't Have to Be Complicated

My wedding changed how I think about bridal parties. I had none. I never liked them. They cost your friends a lot of money, besides a wedding present. No bachelor/bachelorette parties. If we are close enough friends and family, we will go away, with or without a wedding. I hope more and more people consider the idea of doing away with bridal parties. People usually would much prefer going to a wedding than being in one.

Cutting out the bridal party alone saved from:

• Coordinating schedules for dress shopping
• Worrying about whether her friends could afford what she picked or where the wedding was located
• Planning (or attending) a bachelorette weekend
• Feeling guilty when she needed to rest instead of doing "bridal party things"

I was never a fan of clicks and nothing feels more clicky than a bridal party.

The Travel and Drinking Thing

Can we talk about how much wedding culture revolves around both of these? Destination weddings, bachelor parties in Vegas, wine-tasting weekends, rehearsal dinners that turn into late nights at the bar.

For a lot of us, that's just... not possible. Or it is possible, but we'll pay for it with a week-long flare.

Choosing not to do those things isn't missing out. It's choosing to feel okay instead of feeling terrible. Pretty simple math, actually.

The Conversations Nobody Warns You About

Getting engaged with chronic illness means you end up having certain talks earlier than other couples might. Talks about:

• What happens during a bad flare
• How you'll handle medical costs
• What "in sickness and in health" actually looks like in practice
• Whether you want kids (and how your health factors in)

These conversations aren't romantic in the rom-com sense. But they're real. And honestly? They're kind of important.

You Can Be Happy AND Scared

Here's something I'm still learning: you don't have to choose between joy and reality.

• You can be thrilled about marrying your person AND worried about whether you'll feel okay on your wedding day.
• You can love planning AND need to rest more than other brides.
• You can be excited about your future AND need to build in flexibility because your body is unpredictable.

Both things can be true.

Final Thoughts

Your engagement doesn't need to look like anyone else's to count. Your wedding doesn't need to be Pinterest-perfect to be meaningful.

You're not asking for too much by needing things to be different. You're not "ruining" anything by doing it your way. And you are absolutely not too complicated to marry.

Part of the wedding business is about making money for wedding businesses. Skip that part. Save your money. 

The right person will get it. They'll help you figure out what works. They'll probably suggest the at-home proposal themselves because they know you and they love you.

That's what this whole thing is about anyway, right? Finding someone who sees all of you, including the hard parts, and chooses you anyway.

For anyone recently engaged, we are so happy for you!